Constant Contradiction

I'm one lost little girl. One minute, I'm wanting the American dream - husband, house, 2.3 kiddos, dog named Spot, and the white picket fence. The next minute I want to pack all my crap in my car, and drive to some far off place - somewhere far from settling down. New York or California... I don't know yet which I'd pick (both have pluses and minuses), but I'd be gone. Sometimes, I like my job while other times I hate it. I like NM but can't imagine living there again. I miss having a boyfriend, but don't want the drama that comes with having one. 

Basically - I want to have my cake and eat it too!

I think part of my problem is the fact that all the people in my world (friends, family, colleagues) force the idea of family down my throat like it's something I HAVE to have. I don't come from a broken home, mind you... but why must it mean that something is wrong with me if I am not already married with children and settled down? I'll be the first to admit that I hate moving. I've lived in 5 cities in 10 years, and it looks like I'll probably be moving at the end of this year (much to my dismay). I want to have a permanent address, somewhere to figuratively settle down and call my own. That being said... do I really want a house? Not really. Do I want a husband and kids? Not particularly... not now anyway. I don't see any reason to rush all that. I haven't even hit 30 yet and people act like it's all over for me.

Next is the whole job issue. Most of the time, I like my job. I get paid well, treated well, and my bosses seem to like me. But is this my life's dream? Am I doing anything I'm passionate about? No and no. Sure it's a great job, and I'm good at it, but just because someone's good at something it doesn't mean that they need to keep doing it. I'm also good at being lazy at home - does that mean I shouldn't clean up once in a while? Hell no. My problem is that I'm scared to move on. I don't know that any job I take after this one will be as good as the one I left behind. I worry that I still don't know what I want, and that this job may just be the foot in the door I need for something better. But on the other hand, I don't see how I could have possibly seen myself becoming what I've become. I'm not me anymore, and while I will blame living in Houston for at least 1/2 of it, I think my job has something to do with it too.

There are a couple of things right now that I know that I want. After finally and officially getting over the ex, I think I'm ready to open my heart to someone new. It would be nice to have a guy to hang around, and bonus if he's someone I'm otherwise compatible with too. Another thing I know I want is to cut the crap - in other words, I want to break my shopping habit. Half the time, I buy things I don't need or use just out of boredom. Just because I can afford to buy something doesn't mean I should. I want to simplify my life... and not be such a sucker for beautiful things. That being said - I know my love for beautiful things is going to always be what it is; I'm just going to try to stop being a sucker for labels. Something can be cool without the fancy name tag. I just need to remember that.

Anyway, as you can see, I still am forever conflicted. Should I stay or should I go, both in terms of work and where I live? Can I even afford to make this decision? Or should I just suck it up and realize it is what it is. No use in crying over spilled perfume... I just hope I can be happier with what I have and stop wondering "what if."

Taking it easy in the Big Easy...

Some lose their hearts in San Francisco, others still love New York... and me? Well, I'm falling in love with the dirty, smelly, and currently re-building New Orleans. I'll be the first to admit that the thought of moving here scared me to death. Not only have all of my prior trips to New Orleans been awful, but moving here meant I would once again be moving by myself to another city far from my family and friends. Houston has been hard enough on me. I was totally worried about what havoc the Big Easy would run in my psychological health.

I've been here just over a month - and I'm in love. I love this city. Yes it's dirty, smelly, run-down... the people aren't friendly, the crime is ridiculous, and the roads have potholes the size of Kentucky, but I like it here. I really like where I live on the North Shore. I know I can't claim New Orleans proper as home, but it's nice to know that I'm in my really pretty, safe little town just a stone's throw across the lake from the city. Who would have thought I would like living in suburbia? Especially after all the crying I did living in Ventana Ranch in Albuquerque! Ha!

My job here is going fantastic so far. I've already made a friend, and my mentor and manager have spent more time getting to know me than anyone in Houston ever did. I know it's early, but I really hope they let me stay here. You see, I'm on a Career Developmental Rotational Assignment here, so it's not supposed to be a permanent gig. But I'm going to try my hardest to make it become permanent. I have no desire to return to the Bayou City. It's ok, but it will never be home to me. I'd go back to Albq first.

In other news, my baby niece is doing much better. She was born really early back in December, and has had a hard time. While she only spent a little bit of time at the hospital, she has been a frequent visitor to the hospital since she's been with us. I finally got to see her again this weekend in Albuquerque, and she's adorable! I noticed how much attention I gave to her, though, so I need to be more aware of it next time I'm around her - at least whenever her big sister is in the room. She was so mad at me, but I hopefully made up for it later during the weekend.

Going home to Albq was fun (as always) but there's a whole list of people I wish I could have seen or hung out a bit with. I knew I wouldn't be able to since I was really there for my family, but it still sucks. I still struggle with how much I miss Albq and everyone there. But I'm getting better. In Houston, it was a daily fight for me to not want to pack my stuff in my car and run away back to Albq. At least in New Orleans I only have these thoughts while I'm actually in Albq. I was so excited when I got back to New Orleans on Sunday - bittersweet for sure, but I'm actually already considering this home. I hope I'm not going to regret this later.....

I'm back to my old self in New Orleans - I'm working out almost every day, keeping my apartment neat and in order, cooking at home more, and actually waking up for work on time. In Houston, I struggled daily just to get out of bed each day, and was so depressed that after work I picked up food on the way home and hung out on my couch. Not exactly an exciting life, is it? I'm so much happier here... and it's starting to show! I've lost 6 lbs since I've been here, and that's without trying. Imagine when I actually try! Ha!

Well, I need to get a TON of stuff off my chest, so expect many blogs soon. Sorry I've been neglecting this one as much as I have. For those of you with access to my Myspace, I think I've blogged more recently on there. Not sure. Anyway, take care and good night!

A New Day, A New Wrinkle

So, while washing my face this morning I noticed something... I have gotten so old since I moved to Houston in Dec. '05. And I don't just mean that I've added a couple of candles to my birthday cake. No, I'm truly older now. I don't want the same things that I used to want.

One thing I know that's changed for me is the fact that I no longer want to spend every single weekend going out. Now granted... I haven't really had the opportunity to do this as much as I used to, but even then... I don't even want to. I also have noticed that lately, I want to just settle down. Now, don't take that the wrong way. I don't want to run off and get married and start a family or anything. Not right now, anyway. Rather, I just want to make my house a home - not just some place I sleep at night and store my stuff.

Another thing I've learned about myself is that I hate living in a city that suffers from urban sprawl. I like my cities vertical (i.e. San Francisco or Chicago), not spread out like Houston. And if I can't live in a vertical city? Well, then I'd rather live in a city like Albuquerque, Denver, Phoenix. Something where I have my city if I want it, but I can just as easily escape to the mountains if I want to. In cities like Houston (and Dallas, and Los Angeles, etc...), you really feel like you can't escape. Traffic is horrific to say the least, and the surround cities sort of melt altogether, making the city feel like it goes on forever. Did you know it takes me 2 hours to get out of town here? Seriously! Unless I go south to Galveston, but that's only because the ocean stops me from going further.

The last thing I've learned about myself is that I absolutely HATE being this far away from my family. If this whole work thing doesn't work out like I'd hope here in Houston (or better yet, in New Orleans next year)... I think I've made my mind up. I think I'll just have to move on. I like my job, but it isn't exactly my life's passion. And the costs of staying here so far from my friends and family back home... well, let's just say that I don't think I can afford them much longer. We'll have to see how this saga plays out.

Anyway, it's getting late and I think I'll go hit the hay. I hope y'all are doing well out there. Keep blogging... I miss hearing about your lives too!

Holy crap!

My, my, my... time really does fly when you're having fun! Ok, so it flies when you aren't having fun too. Life's just like that sometimes.

Quick Update: I've been home 3 times in the last 3 months, which is pretty incredible. 2 of the 3 trips were absolutely fantastic... let's just say the 1 trip that wasn't was good except for one day. And while I'm over it now, that one trip took almost a month to get over. *sigh*

In other news, my bosses have moved my impending move to New Orleans back to April instead of January. On one hand, this is great... I've moved during the holidays before, and it totally sucks, so I'm glad I won't be repeating that performance this year. On the other hand, it pushes my entire life back again until April. Can't buy a house. Can't plan vacations. I'm kinda stuck. And boy does it suck. Again, sigh.

Another update? Well, my sister remarried her ex-husband, and they're expecting their 2nd baby in January. Sounds like a soap opera, huh? Ha ha. I'm glad they've reconciled, though, and am excited to meet my new niece or nephew this winter.

Anyway, I'm gonna hit the hay. I promise to write more soon... fighting allergies from my last trip to NM (can you believe it was for work, so I actually got paid for it this time? Sweet!). Anyway, I'm gonna grab my Puffs and go to bed. Good night to y'all and I'll write again soon!

Oh, and this is just a couple of pics from my trips home... enjoy!

Just outside Santa Fe, NM

About an hour north of my parent's house near Durango, CO

Near Angel Peak Park in Bloomfield, NM

Awww.... my alma mater, UNM! Go Lobos!

give me a geek over a freak any day!

Recently, a friend of mine went on a string of dates that went badly. (It really is a friend, folks… thankfully, I have not had luck like this yet.)

Now, my friend is g-o-r-g-e-o-u-s!!! She’s the kind of girl that can grab attention just by walking through a room in sweats and a t-shirt. She’s a smart girl, too, and sweet as pie. Why she can’t find a better guy is beyond me…

Anyway, this friend of mine has now identified for me several male species that I was not aware existed:

Loaner: This man will try to impress you with material things. He may be an ex-athlete, struggling actor/musician/dancer, etc. Needless to say, he doesn’t have a job but wants you to think he’s a baller.

My friend met this man a while back, but just recently started to talk to him again. He treated her like gold. Wined her, dined her, said all the right things. So when this man started talking seriously, and got a new job… she was excited. Finally a real man, she thought.

About a week later, the man told her that he wanted to buy a new luxury car. He was very excited, and asked my friend a lot of questions about financing. (This was not surprising – she used to approve loans at a bank.) After a few days, he called her at work and asked if she would mind talking to the guy working the financing out for him. She said sure, assuming he wanted her to negotiate terms for him. The financing guy called, and asked for her full name. Then he verified her address (what???). THEN, he asked for her social security number! She quickly asked him why. He said that he was told to contact her regarding the financing of a loan for a new car. AAAAHHH!!! And the man she was seeing didn’t even ASK her!

I see two problems with this: 1 – They had been dating for about a month. Who in their right mind would sign a loan or co-sign on a loan for someone they just started dating??? 2 – If you actually had the Texas-sized balls to ask for such a favor, shouldn’t you actually ask her before the loan guy calls? Geez.

Secret Lover: This man will insist he’s single and ready to mingle. He’ll sweet talk you, and buy you a café au lait. He’ll seem like a really good guy, but…

My friend met this guy while getting coffee one day. He was in line behind her – she teased and said he should buy hers too. He did. They exchanged numbers and, well, that’s about as far as that relationship went. Why, you ask? Well, this man would only call her after 2 am. Yep, they haven’t even gone on a date yet and met for the first time during the day. No spit-swapping, not even a hug… but he would only call her during booty calling hours. She’d call him the next day, and he’d never answer. She finally tried calling him back from a landline rather than her cell – he answered, sounded weird, and “had to let her go.” But, that night…. You guessed it! He called her back, asking to take her out. She answered, only to tell him to never call again.

English Version 3.2: This man speaks with a language all is own. Part Spanglish, part Ebonics, and part Cajun – it’s really hard to figure out just what it is that this guy is saying.

After meeting him the first time, this man sent a text message to my friend. “Hey Amiga. I need to roll on down to your crib and show you my new mayonnaise colored whip. It’s bonita. Then, do you wanna hang and get a Po ‘Boy fully dressed?” Now, between the two of us, we were finally able to decipher his language after about a min or so. What he was actually saying was, “Hey girlfriend. I need to come over to your house and show you my new white car. It’s beautiful. Then, do you want to go out for dinner for Po Boy Sandwiches with everything on them?” Can you imagine having to decode every single message this way? Ridiculous, I tell ya! Needless to say, she stopped talking to him shortly after that.

Man with a Plan: This man sees dating as his full-time job – literally.

Recently, my friend was set up on a lunchtime blind double-date by a colleague. Lunch went well enough, but she wasn’t too interested. Back at the office, the colleague told her that the feeling was mutual. Interestingly, the following week he asked for a follow-up date. Not one to be so quick to judge, my friend agreed and they went on lunch date #2. After the lunch date, she came back to her desk to find an email from this man. The email said nothing, but had an attachment - - - his resume! Confused, she IM’d the man on the spot to ask him why sent that to her. He asked her if she could help him out and forward it on. What the heck? She politely said no. Later, she got a phone call from him asking her what her plans were for her day off. (It gets interesting here…) Their dialogue from that point went something like this:

Friend – I think I’m going to work on my day off. I have a lot to catch up on.

Man with a Plan – Hmm. I was going to ask you to give me a ride to an interview I have on Friday.

Friend – Oh. Don’t you have a car?

Man with a Plan – No. I take the bus during the week and rent a car to go out on the weekends.

Friend – Oh.

Man with a Plan – Well, can I just meet you at work and borrow your car? You’ll be at work anyway…

(Realize, they haven’t really gone on a one-on-one date yet, and she doesn’t even know anything about him.)

Friend - . . .

Man with a Plan – Well, what was the name of those girls that met us last week.

Friend – At lunch? (Insert 3 names here)

Man with a Plan – Last names?

Friend – Why?

Man with a Plan – Want to send them my resume.

Friend – Goodbye.

What the heck is wrong with this boy? Ugh… and I thought my blind dates were bad. Needless to say, she now thinks the colleague that set her up with him hates her and is swearing off of men.

I hate to say it, but these stories make great blog material, don’t they? My poor friend. I seriously hope a real man finds her soon… because I have a feeling she’s going to stop looking for him.

Found

Well, after a year and a half of griping, moaning, complaining, eating, and crying... I'm finally at peace with my "new life" in Houston. Gosh, that sucks to type "out loud." But at least I'm finally admitting to it. I never in my life thought moving here would have been so hard (both emotionally and physically). I have battled just about every single inner demon I could have possibly had over the last couple of years, and I'm finally getting back on track. I already had the career... now my life is finally coming together.

Oh, did I tell ya I finally stopped my soda addiction? YES, it's true! I finally kicked that nasty 6-pop a day habit! And damn, was it hard. Haha... stop laughing at me. It really was hard to do! I started about 3 weeks ago after my family left. I cut down the first week from 6 down to 2 a day. The week after that, I cut down to one a day. Finally, last week, I drank my last soda for good! I'm so proud of myself. And my health is already improving. I lost 3 lbs last week, and my complexion has completely cleared. I haven't felt this good since sophomore year of college! It's fantastic!

And yes, I'm finally getting back to the gym. My goal is 3 times a week (which is a HUGE improvement, but far from where I was a few years ago). However, I've been going about 4 times a week, so I'm doing even better than expected. Yay me! I promised myself that if I can get to my 6 month goal weight, I'll let myself go to Maui! Woohoo! (BTW... my friend Dawn and I already have this trip planned. She won it a few weeks ago, and invited me to go with her. BUT if I don't make my goal, I can't go. Motivation, eh?).

So, in other news... I'm still supposed to go to New Orleans in January. I'm finally getting used to (and excited about) this idea. I'll be damned if I let my fear and my loneliness get the better of me if and when I go too. I HAVE CHANGED! Crazy, ain't it? Haha. Can you tell how freakin' happy I am right now? Still the most single person in the world, but shoot... no one can love you until you love yourself, right? And I'm finally able to just put the past dude behind me. I don't hate him, but appreciate him for what he taught me. I now know what I want isn't what I need, and I now actually know what that need is. Hurray!

Well, I thought I'd blog really quick before I head to bed. This blog may not mean much in the morning, but c'est la vie! Hope all is well out there for y'all too! God Bless!

Roses

I've decided I'm not a people person. I thought I was, and my friends might think I am too... but I'm not. There are very few people in this world that I can stand to hang out with every single day. And my neighbors are not among these few.

I've been in Houston almost a year and a half, and I'm finally finding my groove. I've made a few friends, I finally have a social life (much to the despair of my checking account)... things are good. Life is getting to a point where I'm enjoying it again. Hurray, hurray. And I really must say that my apartment has contributed to my happiness in a BIG way.

That being said... sometimes when you come home from working an eleven or twelve hour day, you really just don't want to talk to anyone. You don't want to call home. You don't want to go meet people for dinner. You just want to go home, put on some sweats, sit on the couch, and watch bad TV. But since becoming friends with my neighbors, they have decided that the moment my light turns on, they should immediately come over and ask me to hang out. Usually, this occurs less than 10 minutes after I have walked through the door. UGH. Give me some breathing room people! I mean, it's nice to have company when you're eating dinner and all but after a year of doing dinner solo, this sudden change is just a bit much for me.

And there's no escaping it. My apartment is setup very "Melrose Place"-ish, in a horseshoe shape with a pool in the middle. Because of the warm climate, my neighbors are frequently outside at the pool (and have been there for a while) by the time I come home. No sneaking in for me! And on the weekends its even worse. No sleeping in for this young lady, no sirree. My neighbors like to come knockin' as early as 9am to see if I want to do brunch. I feel like opening the door in my Pj's and scream, let me be! If I wanna stay in Pj's one Saturday, let me!

I feel like a total jerk... the majority of my neighbors are lovely people albeit a tad overwhelming at times. But I don't have much in common with this eclectic set. And while I do enjoy their company, I don't have an overwhelming desire to hang out with them all the time. Sometimes a person just "vants to ve alone," you know?

This week I'm just gonna lie low. No going out for dinner for me this week. Anyway, I need to save up for my mom's visit down here next week - - after all, I'm paying for 100% of that trip which includes expenses for a week for her, my two sisters, and my niece. I'm gonna be so broke in June! Ha! Well peeps, I'm out. Have a great night!