is going back in my future?

"No matter how long we exist, we have our memories. Points in time which time itself cannot erase. Suffering may distort my backward glances, but even to suffering, some memories will yield nothing of ther beauty or their splendor. Rather they remain as hard as gems. " - Anne Rice

The best times of my adult life occurred between 19 - 21 years of age. I can honestly say the majority of all the high points in my life occurred during those 3 short years, and I only wish I could go back and relive them. Not that my life totally sucked after that, I just had to totally grow up ridiculously fast.

For those that met me after high school (or that have never met me at all), you probably wonder what I was like as a kid. Ok, so maybe you don't care... but I'm going to tell you anyway. Haha! I was a very serious kid, actually. My parents moved us around a lot (for no particular reason, I should add), so I was forced to learn how to make friends fast and catch up even faster in school. Being the oldest of four, I was also "second mommy" to my younger siblings... I started babysitting them at about 8 yrs old! And while I know my parents did what they had to do... that was really hard on me as a kid. I couldn't go out and play with other kids, because I wanted to be mother hen to them instead. Long story short, I started working really young and haven't stopped working since. And you know what they say about all work and no play....

Well, going to college finally changed all that. With no family obligations, I felt a weird sense of freedom that I hadn't felt before. I actually felt my age, which was a first. And it was fun! And I didn't even have to compromise my job or college grades for it! I fell in love during that time (and I still think it was worth the heartache), among other wonderful firsts!

Of course, all things have to come to an end, and it's my own fault that they came to an end as quickly as they did. Being the constant worrier that I am, I forced myself to finish college in not 4 but 3 years, which consequently forced me to stop my wild partying ways. I took a huge risk after graduation and moved to Colorado... and with my tail between my legs, returned home a short time after. Failing like that put me in a really bad place, and I feel like I've been just trying to keep afloat ever since.

Now that I'm finally back on my feet and getting back to my old self again a whopping 6 years later (I'm 27 now), I find myself trying to reclaim that wonderful period in my life. I tried to do my old workout routine, but with the J-O-B being what it is, it makes it extraordinarily difficult to get to the gym once a day, let alone twice. I'm trying to go out more, but like I've said before... Houston is a weird place. Everyone I've met is either married and act like they are 40, they really are 40, or they're single and young... but just don't need new friends. Trust me, I've tried to make friends here. And anywhere else I've ever lived, I was able to make friends really easy. But in Houston? I dunno. Easier said than done, I guess.

I know it seems sad to want to go back to how my life was when I was 20, but honestly, I don't know of many that wouldn't go back if they could. Granted, I don't really want to be that young again - there is experience that comes with getting older that I totally could have used back then! But what's so wrong with wanting to be that happy again? I guess I'm just trying to swim as far away as I can from the island of bitter, but is looking back to that time in my life the right answer? I guess time will tell. I just know that no matter what happens in the time ahead... I know it will get better from here.