give me a geek over a freak any day!

Recently, a friend of mine went on a string of dates that went badly. (It really is a friend, folks… thankfully, I have not had luck like this yet.)

Now, my friend is g-o-r-g-e-o-u-s!!! She’s the kind of girl that can grab attention just by walking through a room in sweats and a t-shirt. She’s a smart girl, too, and sweet as pie. Why she can’t find a better guy is beyond me…

Anyway, this friend of mine has now identified for me several male species that I was not aware existed:

Loaner: This man will try to impress you with material things. He may be an ex-athlete, struggling actor/musician/dancer, etc. Needless to say, he doesn’t have a job but wants you to think he’s a baller.

My friend met this man a while back, but just recently started to talk to him again. He treated her like gold. Wined her, dined her, said all the right things. So when this man started talking seriously, and got a new job… she was excited. Finally a real man, she thought.

About a week later, the man told her that he wanted to buy a new luxury car. He was very excited, and asked my friend a lot of questions about financing. (This was not surprising – she used to approve loans at a bank.) After a few days, he called her at work and asked if she would mind talking to the guy working the financing out for him. She said sure, assuming he wanted her to negotiate terms for him. The financing guy called, and asked for her full name. Then he verified her address (what???). THEN, he asked for her social security number! She quickly asked him why. He said that he was told to contact her regarding the financing of a loan for a new car. AAAAHHH!!! And the man she was seeing didn’t even ASK her!

I see two problems with this: 1 – They had been dating for about a month. Who in their right mind would sign a loan or co-sign on a loan for someone they just started dating??? 2 – If you actually had the Texas-sized balls to ask for such a favor, shouldn’t you actually ask her before the loan guy calls? Geez.

Secret Lover: This man will insist he’s single and ready to mingle. He’ll sweet talk you, and buy you a café au lait. He’ll seem like a really good guy, but…

My friend met this guy while getting coffee one day. He was in line behind her – she teased and said he should buy hers too. He did. They exchanged numbers and, well, that’s about as far as that relationship went. Why, you ask? Well, this man would only call her after 2 am. Yep, they haven’t even gone on a date yet and met for the first time during the day. No spit-swapping, not even a hug… but he would only call her during booty calling hours. She’d call him the next day, and he’d never answer. She finally tried calling him back from a landline rather than her cell – he answered, sounded weird, and “had to let her go.” But, that night…. You guessed it! He called her back, asking to take her out. She answered, only to tell him to never call again.

English Version 3.2: This man speaks with a language all is own. Part Spanglish, part Ebonics, and part Cajun – it’s really hard to figure out just what it is that this guy is saying.

After meeting him the first time, this man sent a text message to my friend. “Hey Amiga. I need to roll on down to your crib and show you my new mayonnaise colored whip. It’s bonita. Then, do you wanna hang and get a Po ‘Boy fully dressed?” Now, between the two of us, we were finally able to decipher his language after about a min or so. What he was actually saying was, “Hey girlfriend. I need to come over to your house and show you my new white car. It’s beautiful. Then, do you want to go out for dinner for Po Boy Sandwiches with everything on them?” Can you imagine having to decode every single message this way? Ridiculous, I tell ya! Needless to say, she stopped talking to him shortly after that.

Man with a Plan: This man sees dating as his full-time job – literally.

Recently, my friend was set up on a lunchtime blind double-date by a colleague. Lunch went well enough, but she wasn’t too interested. Back at the office, the colleague told her that the feeling was mutual. Interestingly, the following week he asked for a follow-up date. Not one to be so quick to judge, my friend agreed and they went on lunch date #2. After the lunch date, she came back to her desk to find an email from this man. The email said nothing, but had an attachment - - - his resume! Confused, she IM’d the man on the spot to ask him why sent that to her. He asked her if she could help him out and forward it on. What the heck? She politely said no. Later, she got a phone call from him asking her what her plans were for her day off. (It gets interesting here…) Their dialogue from that point went something like this:

Friend – I think I’m going to work on my day off. I have a lot to catch up on.

Man with a Plan – Hmm. I was going to ask you to give me a ride to an interview I have on Friday.

Friend – Oh. Don’t you have a car?

Man with a Plan – No. I take the bus during the week and rent a car to go out on the weekends.

Friend – Oh.

Man with a Plan – Well, can I just meet you at work and borrow your car? You’ll be at work anyway…

(Realize, they haven’t really gone on a one-on-one date yet, and she doesn’t even know anything about him.)

Friend - . . .

Man with a Plan – Well, what was the name of those girls that met us last week.

Friend – At lunch? (Insert 3 names here)

Man with a Plan – Last names?

Friend – Why?

Man with a Plan – Want to send them my resume.

Friend – Goodbye.

What the heck is wrong with this boy? Ugh… and I thought my blind dates were bad. Needless to say, she now thinks the colleague that set her up with him hates her and is swearing off of men.

I hate to say it, but these stories make great blog material, don’t they? My poor friend. I seriously hope a real man finds her soon… because I have a feeling she’s going to stop looking for him.