Constant Contradiction

I'm one lost little girl. One minute, I'm wanting the American dream - husband, house, 2.3 kiddos, dog named Spot, and the white picket fence. The next minute I want to pack all my crap in my car, and drive to some far off place - somewhere far from settling down. New York or California... I don't know yet which I'd pick (both have pluses and minuses), but I'd be gone. Sometimes, I like my job while other times I hate it. I like NM but can't imagine living there again. I miss having a boyfriend, but don't want the drama that comes with having one. 

Basically - I want to have my cake and eat it too!

I think part of my problem is the fact that all the people in my world (friends, family, colleagues) force the idea of family down my throat like it's something I HAVE to have. I don't come from a broken home, mind you... but why must it mean that something is wrong with me if I am not already married with children and settled down? I'll be the first to admit that I hate moving. I've lived in 5 cities in 10 years, and it looks like I'll probably be moving at the end of this year (much to my dismay). I want to have a permanent address, somewhere to figuratively settle down and call my own. That being said... do I really want a house? Not really. Do I want a husband and kids? Not particularly... not now anyway. I don't see any reason to rush all that. I haven't even hit 30 yet and people act like it's all over for me.

Next is the whole job issue. Most of the time, I like my job. I get paid well, treated well, and my bosses seem to like me. But is this my life's dream? Am I doing anything I'm passionate about? No and no. Sure it's a great job, and I'm good at it, but just because someone's good at something it doesn't mean that they need to keep doing it. I'm also good at being lazy at home - does that mean I shouldn't clean up once in a while? Hell no. My problem is that I'm scared to move on. I don't know that any job I take after this one will be as good as the one I left behind. I worry that I still don't know what I want, and that this job may just be the foot in the door I need for something better. But on the other hand, I don't see how I could have possibly seen myself becoming what I've become. I'm not me anymore, and while I will blame living in Houston for at least 1/2 of it, I think my job has something to do with it too.

There are a couple of things right now that I know that I want. After finally and officially getting over the ex, I think I'm ready to open my heart to someone new. It would be nice to have a guy to hang around, and bonus if he's someone I'm otherwise compatible with too. Another thing I know I want is to cut the crap - in other words, I want to break my shopping habit. Half the time, I buy things I don't need or use just out of boredom. Just because I can afford to buy something doesn't mean I should. I want to simplify my life... and not be such a sucker for beautiful things. That being said - I know my love for beautiful things is going to always be what it is; I'm just going to try to stop being a sucker for labels. Something can be cool without the fancy name tag. I just need to remember that.

Anyway, as you can see, I still am forever conflicted. Should I stay or should I go, both in terms of work and where I live? Can I even afford to make this decision? Or should I just suck it up and realize it is what it is. No use in crying over spilled perfume... I just hope I can be happier with what I have and stop wondering "what if."

Taking it easy in the Big Easy...

Some lose their hearts in San Francisco, others still love New York... and me? Well, I'm falling in love with the dirty, smelly, and currently re-building New Orleans. I'll be the first to admit that the thought of moving here scared me to death. Not only have all of my prior trips to New Orleans been awful, but moving here meant I would once again be moving by myself to another city far from my family and friends. Houston has been hard enough on me. I was totally worried about what havoc the Big Easy would run in my psychological health.

I've been here just over a month - and I'm in love. I love this city. Yes it's dirty, smelly, run-down... the people aren't friendly, the crime is ridiculous, and the roads have potholes the size of Kentucky, but I like it here. I really like where I live on the North Shore. I know I can't claim New Orleans proper as home, but it's nice to know that I'm in my really pretty, safe little town just a stone's throw across the lake from the city. Who would have thought I would like living in suburbia? Especially after all the crying I did living in Ventana Ranch in Albuquerque! Ha!

My job here is going fantastic so far. I've already made a friend, and my mentor and manager have spent more time getting to know me than anyone in Houston ever did. I know it's early, but I really hope they let me stay here. You see, I'm on a Career Developmental Rotational Assignment here, so it's not supposed to be a permanent gig. But I'm going to try my hardest to make it become permanent. I have no desire to return to the Bayou City. It's ok, but it will never be home to me. I'd go back to Albq first.

In other news, my baby niece is doing much better. She was born really early back in December, and has had a hard time. While she only spent a little bit of time at the hospital, she has been a frequent visitor to the hospital since she's been with us. I finally got to see her again this weekend in Albuquerque, and she's adorable! I noticed how much attention I gave to her, though, so I need to be more aware of it next time I'm around her - at least whenever her big sister is in the room. She was so mad at me, but I hopefully made up for it later during the weekend.

Going home to Albq was fun (as always) but there's a whole list of people I wish I could have seen or hung out a bit with. I knew I wouldn't be able to since I was really there for my family, but it still sucks. I still struggle with how much I miss Albq and everyone there. But I'm getting better. In Houston, it was a daily fight for me to not want to pack my stuff in my car and run away back to Albq. At least in New Orleans I only have these thoughts while I'm actually in Albq. I was so excited when I got back to New Orleans on Sunday - bittersweet for sure, but I'm actually already considering this home. I hope I'm not going to regret this later.....

I'm back to my old self in New Orleans - I'm working out almost every day, keeping my apartment neat and in order, cooking at home more, and actually waking up for work on time. In Houston, I struggled daily just to get out of bed each day, and was so depressed that after work I picked up food on the way home and hung out on my couch. Not exactly an exciting life, is it? I'm so much happier here... and it's starting to show! I've lost 6 lbs since I've been here, and that's without trying. Imagine when I actually try! Ha!

Well, I need to get a TON of stuff off my chest, so expect many blogs soon. Sorry I've been neglecting this one as much as I have. For those of you with access to my Myspace, I think I've blogged more recently on there. Not sure. Anyway, take care and good night!