Constant Contradiction

I'm one lost little girl. One minute, I'm wanting the American dream - husband, house, 2.3 kiddos, dog named Spot, and the white picket fence. The next minute I want to pack all my crap in my car, and drive to some far off place - somewhere far from settling down. New York or California... I don't know yet which I'd pick (both have pluses and minuses), but I'd be gone. Sometimes, I like my job while other times I hate it. I like NM but can't imagine living there again. I miss having a boyfriend, but don't want the drama that comes with having one. 

Basically - I want to have my cake and eat it too!

I think part of my problem is the fact that all the people in my world (friends, family, colleagues) force the idea of family down my throat like it's something I HAVE to have. I don't come from a broken home, mind you... but why must it mean that something is wrong with me if I am not already married with children and settled down? I'll be the first to admit that I hate moving. I've lived in 5 cities in 10 years, and it looks like I'll probably be moving at the end of this year (much to my dismay). I want to have a permanent address, somewhere to figuratively settle down and call my own. That being said... do I really want a house? Not really. Do I want a husband and kids? Not particularly... not now anyway. I don't see any reason to rush all that. I haven't even hit 30 yet and people act like it's all over for me.

Next is the whole job issue. Most of the time, I like my job. I get paid well, treated well, and my bosses seem to like me. But is this my life's dream? Am I doing anything I'm passionate about? No and no. Sure it's a great job, and I'm good at it, but just because someone's good at something it doesn't mean that they need to keep doing it. I'm also good at being lazy at home - does that mean I shouldn't clean up once in a while? Hell no. My problem is that I'm scared to move on. I don't know that any job I take after this one will be as good as the one I left behind. I worry that I still don't know what I want, and that this job may just be the foot in the door I need for something better. But on the other hand, I don't see how I could have possibly seen myself becoming what I've become. I'm not me anymore, and while I will blame living in Houston for at least 1/2 of it, I think my job has something to do with it too.

There are a couple of things right now that I know that I want. After finally and officially getting over the ex, I think I'm ready to open my heart to someone new. It would be nice to have a guy to hang around, and bonus if he's someone I'm otherwise compatible with too. Another thing I know I want is to cut the crap - in other words, I want to break my shopping habit. Half the time, I buy things I don't need or use just out of boredom. Just because I can afford to buy something doesn't mean I should. I want to simplify my life... and not be such a sucker for beautiful things. That being said - I know my love for beautiful things is going to always be what it is; I'm just going to try to stop being a sucker for labels. Something can be cool without the fancy name tag. I just need to remember that.

Anyway, as you can see, I still am forever conflicted. Should I stay or should I go, both in terms of work and where I live? Can I even afford to make this decision? Or should I just suck it up and realize it is what it is. No use in crying over spilled perfume... I just hope I can be happier with what I have and stop wondering "what if."